Friday, January 9, 2009

When Your Dysfunction Meets My Dysfunction... is flat out gonna be a WAR.

I have a hard time dealing with other people's bullshit. That, in itself, is my own bullshit, and I find myself expressing it more frequently than I'd like. I think that it's a bit cliche to just say "well, I have issues". Duh, we all do, and just making that declaration still doesn't solve anything.... so why even bother saying it? Question is, are you going to do something about them, or what?

I realize that being perfect is an unrealistic aspiration, and wouldn't be the least bit interesting an existence even if you could achieve it. Yet I still do strive for it in so many little ways. I guess that's one reason I'm such an overachiever. I've been one for as long as I can remember ....hell, even before I got my first sibling. From the very beginning, I've been competing, even when there was no one there to do it with.

My issues? Need of total control. Intolerance of the imperfections of others. Lack of empathy or understanding of another's weaknesses..... I hate what I perceive to be weakness in other people. I'm harshly judgemental in that respect. "Just who the hell do you think you are?", I have to ask myself on certain days. At times, I can find myself looking upon others from such a high perch, all the while knowing that I am flawed as hell, myself.

Anyway, I can blame my parents for the dysfunctions that reside in me. Can't everyone?
However, my blame is legit. Although I now know that they did the best they could with what tools and knowledge they had, it didn't make my upbringing any less harsh. Both of my parents were stricter than today's laws would allow, and demanded perfection of me...even when it was not possible. One abusively dominant, the other, jealous and passive aggressive, it's a wonder that I turned out half way sane.

Anyhow, from that whole period that was eons ago in my life, I still have issues. So, what to do about that? I hate having to point to the past to explain why I'm still acting out or displaying a behavior that I can rationalize and know both the causes and consequences of, such as my ever lingering, underneath the surface, anger. I'm able to control and achieve so many things in my life, but although I'm getting a better handle on it, there are still those moments when that beast completely escapes my grasp and rises up, ready for destruction.
That's what happens when I encounter YOUR dysfunction. Your rudeness. Your thoughtlessness. Your selfishness. Your arrogance. Your disrespect. I'm ready to tear you apart, even though somewhere in my mind, I realize that you're just another damaged person trying to make it through the day, the week, the month, just like me, and you're probably subconsciously angry about some shit that happened to you eons ago, too. Or even yesterday.

Funny how you can rationalize it to death, but can't ever seem to fix it! ;)

On some days it's hard to be a human, isn't it? Perhaps it's better to be a cat. Eat, sleep, and constantly be petted, loved and adored. They don't ever look like they have the least bit of worry in the world...


Strongblkwmn Saturday, January 10, 2009  

I know what you mean. I'm going through a situation at work that is extremely frustrating and I know that part of it is because of me. It's hard for me to deal with people's bull too. My fuse is extremely short. I'm trying to work on it. It's not easy to be empathetic when you feel like the other person is an asshole.

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